Getting Past Your Inner Critic
How Do You Show Yourself Kindness Instead of Criticism?
If January was 12 weeks long, February was 12 seconds long. And now, suddenly, here we are in March. This is the true optime of the entrepreneurial rollercoaster—some months crawl, and others go by in a flash. Or perhaps it’s just life lately. Either way, it’s also a reflection of living with both depression and anxiety—a neural see-saw, if you will.
In January, I was in a funk, inspired by SADD and current events. The frustrating part about being in and out of a funk is the post-funk anxiety that takes place. When the fog has cleared and I am finally feeling reenergized, I get this jolt of sheer anxiety. The rumination begins—what have I NOT done for the past month? I am so behind. I haven’t done anything I wanted to do.
Typically, that post-funk anxiety propels me through a few weeks of furiously catching up and working in overproduction mode. However, that was not the case in February. By the time I finally got my momentum, things came to a screeching halt (thanks to the flu), and I was forced to do the bare minimum.
When your brain wants to be in overproduction mode, but your body is in can't-leave-the-bed mode, let me tell you…it’s a real exercise in the art of self-compassion. Something I am not good at, admittedly. Despite all my progress over the years around my confidence, I’m still incredibly hard on myself. (I know my friends are reading this and nodding their heads vigorously.)
My ill-timed mind-body disconnect got me wondering.
When your productivity screeches to a halt, how do you show yourself kindness instead of criticism? How do you acknowledge that sometimes, just making it through the day is achievement enough?
I found out soon enough.
The Universe Intervened When I Needed It Most
The last few weeks I've been a real jerk to myself--berating myself for not getting enough done, being too behind on personal projects, or relaxing when I should be working, etc. Even last Wednesday, as I was heading into a talk about self-criticism and self-support, I was chastising myself for going to an event instead of catching up. 🫥
It turns out the event was exactly what I needed to stop this cycle of self-deprecation.
Hosted by WEST - Women in the Enterprise of Science and Technology, the event was an author talk with my friend Pallavi Srivastava on her book Relationship With The Self. The book draws on coaching, psychology, and mindfulness to help break down complex ideas like acceptance, authenticity, and self-compassion into actionable steps.
When I entered the room—annoyed at myself for being late—she was talking about the inner critic (how very meta). I have done a lot of inner critic work, so I was familiar with the process of naming it and identifying its triggers and impact. My inner critic is Dunkin', named for the coffee I was holding when I began doing the IC work. (Although, I think I need something that sounds a little grouchier, so I'm taking suggestions.)
She asked us to workshop our inner critic and share with the folks next to us. Despite having done this before, the act of writing it out and saying it out loud was exactly what I needed in that moment. Dunkin' began to chill out, and I started to feel a little less bad about my lack of productivity and a little more compassion for enduring the last few weeks.
After workshopping the inner critic, Pallavi went on to explain HOW to combat the pesky beast: the inner ally.
We all need an inner ally to cheer us on, to be our personal advocate, and to remind us of all the wonderful things we’re doing. Or to remind us that sometimes simply making it through the day is an accomplishment, especially when we’re sick or struggling.
Hearing Pallavi talk about inner ally while my inner critic had been raging for weeks felt like a one of those light bulb moments. Or, yet another sign that the universe was intervening when I needed it most.
I needed a reminder to be my own ally. And there was no better moment to get it than when I was overwhelmed, stressed, and stuck in a cycle of beating myself up.
Creating Your Inner Ally
Here’s how Pallavi suggests creating your inner ally:
✔️Step 1: Define what you want help with
✔️Step 2: Flesh out the character
✔️Step 3: Name them.
✔️Step 4: Deepen the bond with a daily/weekly practice to connect.
My inner ally’s name is Glinda the Good Witch because I have a picture of Glinda on my bookshelf with the words: “You always had the power, my dear, you just had to figure it out for yourself.” (Yes, I live my life by The Wizard of Oz).
And sometimes figuring it out myself means getting a little intervention from the universe.
If you want to learn how to create an inner critic and inner ally, Pallavi has generously given us an author code on Routledge. Buy ‘Relationship With The Self’ here: www.routledge.com/9781032160030 Use the author discount code: P4J96Q76J for 30% off. Pallavi is the Founder & CEO of The Wellbeing Ways LLC.
Pallavi and I at the event.
