How Exactly Do People Change?

Hi friend,

“The brain is made of plastic, Lauren.”  That’s what a therapist said to me once—or at least, that’s what I heard. I’m sure she was trying to help me understand neuroplasticity, the idea that we can rewire our brains, but I heard what I heard. 🤪

Either way, I remember thinking she was wrong. First off, the brain is certainly not made of plastic. Duh. And secondly, how could I possibly change who I am? Because in my mind, I was this anxious and depressed little weirdo for life.

Well, it took a long time, but I finally realized what she meant. I do have the ability to change how I view the world and react to things. No, I don’t have to be captive to my anxious and depressed thoughts. (Ok, I’ll probably always be a little weirdo.)

I’m proud to say that this little weirdo has figured out how to handle her emotions over the years. But, the truth is…it ain’t easy. So, I thought I would use today’s newsletter to dive into it.

It’s me, hi, I’m the problem.

I think a lot of us grow up thinking that in life, you are dealt the cards you are dealt. For me, I knew that I would always be short with brown hair and hazel eyes. Just like I would always be emotional, dramatic, sensitive, and all those lovely adjectives adults used to describe me–words that I perceived as negative. So, naturally, I grew up feeling like it was me; I am the problem.

However, today, I would argue that society is the problem. Society makes us believe that “people don’t change.” But, as I’ve learned, it’s not true. This really helpful article on behavior change from Psychology Today explains that, yes, people can change. And while it’s not easy, with effort it can be done.

The trouble is that measuring behavior and personality change is also not easy. And as science and life tell us, what works for one may not work for another. That’s why the National Institute of Health has created a whole program on behavior change called the Science of Behavior Change that encourages researchers to use new ways to investigate behavior change.

So if you’ve ever thought, “This is just how I am,” or if someone made you think, “that’s just the way you are, and it’ll never change,” then you aren’t alone. And you’re wrong. Because you can change!

How exactly do people change? It’s really up to the person to do the work needed to make a change and figure out what techniques work for them, but there are many ways. Below, I’m sharing a few ways that I’ve gone from thinking I’m the problem to “head first, fearless” (heh, had to round out my TSwift references).

Self-Talk (and Post-It Notes)

Whenever I would go to my dad’s office as a kid, I’d see a colorful collection of curled-up Post-it notes decorating his monitor. Most of them were reminders, but a few were little mottos (he loves a good motto; just see my Father’s Day post). I used to think he was so silly for having such clutter on his monitor, but now, as I write this, I’m staring at a bright yellow note that says, “Pace yourself.”

Those words were spoken by my therapist a few months back when I was excitedly telling her about my newest commitment. Knowing me as well as she does, she had to gently remind me to keep my commitments to a minimum or risk burnout. “Pace yourself, Lauren.”

“Pace myself,” I repeated out loud after she said it. Then, I promptly wrote it down and put it on my monitor. I told her I would try, and I have done a decent job—probably because I stare at it every day. It’s a friendly reminder.

Sometimes, we need those friendly reminders for it to really sink in. We need to write it down, say it out loud and put it somewhere we’ll see it. It really doesn’t matter whether you decorate your monitor with a Post-It note, send yourself a voice note like my friend Brian does, or screenshot a helpful quote from the internet as my husband does. All that matters is you have it somewhere you’ll see it because constant reminders are one way you can change your behavior. How Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Helps Behavior Change

While using constant reminders is just one simple way, I thought I would also share something a little meatier–CBT, which stands for cognitive behavioral therapy (or tactics). CBT is a technique that focuses on unlearning unhelpful thinking patterns. It’s about challenging your thoughts by recognizing facts.

If you watched my LinkedIn Live with Dr. Robin Buckley, you know one of her specialties is CBT. Here’s how she explains it: “The research behind cognitive behavioral strategies provides compelling insights into their effectiveness in promoting mental health and well-being. By targeting cognitive distortions, modifying maladaptive behaviors, and fostering mindfulness and acceptance, CBS equips individuals with practical tools to navigate life’s challenges. Moreover, the neuroplasticity induced by these strategies underscores the remarkable capacity of the brain to adapt and heal.” - Dr. Robin Buckley

Here’s an example of a simple CBT exercise that I encourage you to try if you suddenly feel like things are spinning out of control. It’s called Dropping Anchor, and my client, Veselina Hristova Jones, LICSW, adapted it from Dr. Russ Jones’ The Happiness Trap.

Here is a quick snapshot of what it means to “drop anchor,”

Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings: Silently and kindly acknowledge what is going on, whether it’s thoughts, emotions, or memories.

Come back into your body: Connect with your body by pushing your feet onto the floor, slowly breathing, or pressing your fingertips together.

Engage in what you’re doing: Get a sense of where you are by identifying 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Then, end by noticing what you are doing.

Ideally, you would run through this cycle 3-4 times and start with a lower-stakes moment so you can build the muscle. Here’s a link to Veselina’s handout with the entire process. (Thanks, Veselina Hristova Jones!)

Have you ever done any CBT? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Change is possible, but I will always be me.

Even though I’ve learned how to manage my negative thoughts, the truth is, I still struggle. Because as much as I have changed, anxiety and depression are like brown hair and hazel eyes–a part of me. The difference is that I don’t have to react to these thoughts as I had in the past. I can find ways to redirect (or re-anchor!) myself.

And as an entrepreneur, I am forced to redirect myself all the time. As much as entrepreneurship has brought out the best in me, it also can bring out those negative, anxious, and depressed thoughts. Because I work for myself, I don’t have someone who knows exactly what I’m going through or someone in the next office to vent to. That means I have to find techniques that help me reel in those harmful thoughts.

How do you overcome negative thoughts? Comment below, and we’ll share your ideas in the next newsletter.

Until next time, friends!

Talk soon,

Lauren Elizabeth Perna